Do you ever wake up and instantly feel that “This is not going to be a good day”? You just open your eyes and your body is glued to bed? You want to instantly go back to sleep even though you’re not sleepy? Just so this feeling goes away?
I have days after days like that and no matter how hard I try, things will go the way I knew they would.
My day will go on where I feel so stupid doing anything I do. I will not stand up for myself. I constantly get distracted it almost feels like I am dreaming all day. I don’t remember anything and everything is just a blur. I do not want to do anything. The only thing I want to do is to stay in bed, not even wanting to cry because I feel absolutely nothing.
Meanwhile, life goes on. I get up more like a programmed reaction, put on a face I usually wear to meet people and do the things I need to do like sleep-walking.
I don’t find meaning in life. I don’t find meaning in anything I do. I don’t find meaning in my existence.
I feel lonely talking to anyone. I feel lonely in a crowded place. I feel lonely when I’m alone.
Nobody gets it. At least not the people around me.
Yes, I tried “talking it out.”
But you know
No matter what I tell or who I tell it to, no matter how much they say they understand, they don’t.
Don’t get me wrong, it is entirely on me, and no one else. It is no one’s fault. They only want nothing but good things for me.
Yes, I know I am trapped in my own head. Yes, I know it is not good for me. Yes, I know I should get out of this situation as soon as possible. Yes, I know I should stay positive. Yes, I know this will go away eventually.
Yes, I know I’m just stupid and I haven’t tried hard enough. Yes, maybe I am just being lazy. Yes, I should at least do something because then I will not even have time to pay attention to all of these nonsense. Yes, maybe I’m just making this stuff up for attention, to make up an excuse for my laziness.
You see, I am scared and tired to tell anyone about how I feel because “I’m just a whiny litte b*tch.” You see, I’m not even talking to anyone now and I’m already reacting to the comments I know I would receive. And I’m tired.
People like being around those who are positive. “Hey smile. It makes you look better.” “Hey smile. Others will smile when they see yours.” And they tell you to stay clear of negative ones, not knowing that you ARE the negative one.
I am scared to tell anyone about how I feel. I’m scared of abandonment. I’m scared of being a burden to someone else. I’m scared of thinking of myself as a loser, as a “never good enough” human being.
You see, I have no solution to this. Every now and then I loath myself and I go back to the same route over and over again.
You see, I might never come to terms with myself on this, but it’s okay. It’s okay your brain knows one thing logically but your body tells you otherwise. It’s okay that you are probably the only one that knows what you’re struggling with is real. It’s okay. You’re not a whiny little b*tch as long as you try.
You see, what kept me going is belief. I believe that I am able to get through this. No matter how long it might take. No matter how hard it might be. And I believe I am not alone.
In appreciation of World Mental Health Day, my first attempt to open up about my own mental health begins.
Tomorrow I might still want to stay in bed all day, but I will get up.
You might feel lonely, but you are not alone.